How I stopped living in survival mode and started creating real connection

For a good chunk of my life, I didn’t really realise I was moving through the world in survival mode… I just thought I was “too emotional” or “too sensitive” or “overreacting.”

Looking back, it makes perfect sense. I grew up in an abusive home, where safety (emotional and physical) wasn’t something I could rely on. I never learned how to handle tension, express what I truly felt, or trust that my needs mattered. Instead, I learned how to read the room, anticipate everyone else’s reactions, and make myself as easy-to-deal-with as possible in order to keep the peace. I became the girl who pleased, performed, and stayed quiet.

What I understand now, is that survival mode becomes so normal that we stop recognising it as survival.
You don’t know that you’re bracing… but your shoulders haven’t dropped in years.
You don’t know you’re hyper-attuned.. but you can read a room in seconds because you had to as a child.
You don’t know you’re disconnected… but you haven’t actually felt your own needs and desires in a very long time.
Survival mode teaches us to be alert instead of open, reactive instead of reflective, and guarded instead of grounded.
And the hardest part? Is that we believe this is “just who I am,” instead of realising it’s who we became to feel safe.

Like many of you, I carried the belief that I was both “too much” and “not enough” at the same time. Deep down, I believed that who I truly was could never be accepted or loved. And I believed this for so long, that I lost touch with the real me.

In my relationships, all those old patterns came with me. I would blame the other person, I took things personally, I assumed the worst, and I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I micromanaged, controlled and overthought everything, utterly convinced that if I just held things together enough, they wouldn’t fall apart. But when things did start to feel shaky, I reacted (I was blunt, quick to snap, and overall hard to be around)…. Because that’s what survival mode taught me to do.

But early on in my relationship with my (now) husband, I realised… our relationships are mirrors.
They show us what we’re still carrying. They show us where we’re still hurting. They show us the places inside of us that still require our attention, tenderness, love and truth.

Every trigger became an invitation for me to meet myself more honestly. They were an opportunity to be the woman who was finally willing to feel what was actually there, instead of the girl who kept pretending she was “fine.”

Viktor E. Frankl, the Austrian neurologist, psychiatrist, and Holocaust survivor, talks about the idea that between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. This is what I have had to practice, over and over, again and again. Over time, I’ve learned (slowly, clumsily and imperfectly) how to respond instead of react, sit with the discomfort without trying to control it, soften rather than harden, and speak from my heart rather than my fear.

The more I’ve been able to soften and surrender, the more I could see something that I missed for years...
The walls I built to protect myself were the same walls that were keeping true love and intimacy out.

Letting these walls down hasn’t happened overnight (and in truth, I can still sometimes put them up as an automatic reaction)… It’s taken reflection, humility, honest (often uncomfortable) conversations, and a willingness to see myself clearly, as I really am…. No longer through the lens of my past. But learning to drop these walls has changed everything for me. Not just my relationships, but my entire life. It’s changed my marriage, my friendships, my inner world, my capacity to trust, my confidence, and my ability to create deep, soul-nourishing connection... the kind I never knew existed or thought I’d be capable of.

And if you’re reading this thinking, “That sounds like me,” then I want you to remember this:
You can’t control your way into the relationship you want. But you can soften your way there. You can learn a different way… a gentler, braver and more honest way.

Here’s what I wish someone had shared with me sooner:
Survival mode doesn’t have to be our “final form.” You’ve been playing on beginner mode, learning the controls and surviving the first levels. But now, it’s time to level up, unlock new skills, and access a whole new world of possibility.

When we start slowing down the automatic, knee-jerk reactions, when we learn to regulate instead of implode or explode, when we begin to recognise our triggers as guides instead of enemies… life opens in a way that feels miraculous. We start responding instead of reacting, start communicating instead of shutting down, and start choosing intentionality instead of defaulting to old patterns. We begin to feel safe in our own body, safe in using our voice, safe in our relationships.

And as someone who’s walked this journey, I can guarantee you that what becomes possible from this place is everything you’ve secretly wanted… deeper connection, more emotional freedom, more trust in yourself, more ease in your relationships, and a life where you’re no longer bracing for impact… You’re actually present, open, and connected.


Reflection Prompts:

1. Where in your life do you feel like you’re constantly “on guard” or bracing for impact? How does survival mode show up in your body, thoughts, or relationships?

2. Can you identify moments in your past or present where you’ve reacted automatically rather than responding intentionally? What patterns do you notice?

3. What walls have you built to protect yourself, and how have they affected your ability to connect deeply with others? What would it take to soften or lower those walls, even just a little?

4. What does “leveling up” in your emotional life look like for you? Which small step could you take today to move toward more presence, choice, and connection?